A reflection piece on Leslie Jamison's "The Empathy Exam."
The church remains a lonely chamber of silence on these bright nights. As I walk along the partly paved path in the churchyard, the old yews loom in black masses of shadow and the towering elms majestically stretch their arms in benediction. With the creak of the Norman doorway, the reticulated windows simultaneously glisten in the moonlight as if to celebrate my belated return.
In the caliginous chancel, the faint speck of light highlights the contour of a forlorn woman, rhythmically rocking back and forth on an unsteady maple pew. I cautiously sit behind a pillar with just enough room to peek at the woman. The swaying slows but teardrops roll down the sides of her face, dampening the corners of her cotton mask. Not knowing how to react, I begin to hypothesize. Perhaps, she lost a loved one during the pandemic? Is she a student? Is she stressing over exams? Or, does she desperately want or need something right now? I glance at her again but she still has her back hunched, head down, eyelids drooped. How long has she been here? Is she planning on spending the night? I gently lower the kneeling pad as I make a request to God. Thank you, Heavenly Father, for always guiding me and for all your blessings. Lord, I pray for a woman today. I pray that you will stick by her side and surround her with peace during this dark season of uncertainty. For you see exactly what she needs to heal. Come close and let her feel your presence. Open her eyes, ears, and hearts to you. Amen. I squeeze in one last glimpse of her before I head home.
Empathy is an attempt to understand another person’s thoughts and emotions. The value behind empathy lies in the effort of imagining yourself in someone else’s position, not necessarily how accurate you were in the process. Would anyone have known what the woman was praying for or crying about that night? Probably not. In fact, recognizing the woman’s inner feelings would not have changed my ability to connect with her. Commonality, rather, becomes vital for an authentic form of empathy to emerge. As a Catholic myself, I have had times when I have spent hours at Church, grasping my rosary as I vigorously recited prayers and talked to God about my worries.* So when I saw the woman in an isolated corner in desperation, empathy came easier as we shared something in common.
To see if my understanding of empathy resonated with others, I introduced my housemate Christoper to the “empathy exam” and asked about his experiences with empathy.
“I feel like empathy is often associated with death or some sort of loss, so I want to give you a similar example but I can’t think of one of those “deep” moments right now. What I do remember is when I recently saw this guy accidentally step on a massive puddle of mud and completely ruin his Nike Cortez and khaki pants. Poor kid, it was also raining that day.”
“And was that a moment of empathy for you?”
“Well, he probably had to walk around in wet socks and smelly shoes. What’s worse, the mud probably created shit stains all over the place. I’ve had my fair share of soaked shoes and incidents with mud, so I knew exactly what he had to go through. But let’s say a friend wants to talk to me after a breakup. I’m not sure I would have empathized as easily since I’ve never been in a relationship myself. And that’s why we have romantic movies and books. So folks like me can indirectly experience the intricacies of a relationship, which allows us to empathize with even more people.”
Initially, I defined empathy as an attempt centered around effort. However, as both stories illustrate, commonality largely determines the amount of effort we can invest. Empathy is not about feeling for someone, but feeling with someone and connecting to the emotions that underpin a shared experience.
*One time, I actually fell asleep during one of my longer prayers at Church, and the priest had to wake me up on his way out…
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